www.trivialevil.com

Looking forward to your patronage.

I wrote a book during the month of november, holy crap that was quite the experience and further more one I have vowed to go through every year for many years to come. It’s an event called NANOWRIMO if you don’t know what I am talking about. google it you lazy bastards.

This is really just a short hello to say i will resume updating so i don’t really have much to say.

I have vowed that the book I wrote during nano will not see the light of day till I am certain it is completely ready so in about a year you can see it other than that I have another book I intend to start writing soon and yeah that’s it.

OH WAIT WAIT….DO NOT GO AWAY JUST YET.

I have a warning for all my readers. A lesson I learnt but last night that you would do well to learn. If as a means to be nice to friends of your parents you take them out clubbing to lets say Gandalfs so that they can see the cape town scens, let’s say you do this, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES trust the small gay man in the group that says he wants to show you a cool club he found the other night. You will very quickly find yourself in the waterkant district feeling very uncomfortable in a gay bar. They do however serve the good triple distilled Smirnoff there but that’s pretty much the only good thing about those bars. This is just a warning that you should keep in mind.

P.S. Car guards chase you in that district when you don’t give them money

This is not a story, this is a report. It is a report that I have been asked to write no doubt by either you or one of your colleagues, or perhaps, if this document is outdated by the time you read it, then by your predecessor. In this document I will outline the basic premise of my outpost and its purpose. There is a lot which will not be revealed in the thousand or so words that follow, instead, this document serves merely as an introduction; more detail shall follow in the writings of my colleagues.

I work in a pizzeria, a local neighbourhood pizzeria in a quiet nondescript town. Chances are that even if I gave you the town’s name you would not be able to find it on any map, locate it on the internet and no one would have ever heard of it. This is because we do not give them name of the town to anybody; even those who happen to stumble upon it by accident. If you are reading this, it means that you have the highest security clearance, and yet it’s name is still classified to your eyes. Not even the highest levels of the elected government, not even the president is aware of this outpost’s name, that is, if he is even aware of its existence.

This town is the first and last point of infection of the apocalypse. We, who live here, live in harmony with the only infected on the planet. “Infected”, that’s the name we gave them. I am not sure why we chose that, I mean, we all know what they really are…Zombies.

You can reread that sentence as many times as you want, it won’t change. At my work, the Pizzeria, I have 6 infected colleagues. Their urge to feed repressed using a serum developed shortly after the outbreak. It was shortly after the widespread administration of the serum on all the infected that it was discovered that menial labour kept the infected placated in between meals, almost like the activities gave them a sense of identity, a reason to live.

Why would we go through all this trouble to keep the undead in a placated environment, encouraging their existence, even going so far as to give them purpose and meaning? Well, on the one hand, they make great pizza. On the other hand, the one not covered in pizza grease, they have done more for the understanding of the human mind in the past 30 years than any other research on the human mind.

My station, The Pizzeria, is one of dozens of businesses in this town. A town populated solely by Psychologists, Psychiatrists and Neurologists. Each business researching one area of the human mind by analysing the decay of certain functions in the affected compared to the physical decay of their minds. The Pizzeria is also known as “The Complex Tasks Lab”, is where I research which areas of the mind control our ability to perform complex tasks. I, along with a neurologist, monitor the zombies as they go about their day to day job.

I suppose I need to go into more detail about the everyday functions of the Pizzeria now, as it is after all why I was asked to write this horrendously boring report.

The management structure of the Pizzeria is as follows. My colleague and I watch over the Pizzeria as owners. Mostly co-existing with the Infected, those that are freshly turned can even maintain conversation for a few weeks before their very sensitive linguistic centre degenerates to a soft brown mush. Until then, they maintain a semblance of the personality they held while they were alive. The managerial structure of the restaurant resembles the reverse to the normal career ladder we climb in our lives, a reflection if you will of the condition. A freshly turned zombie will take the management position or work the phones for deliveries, then as the rotting progresses we move them to the kitchens where they are entirely wrapped in a hazard suit seeing, as we do actually eat the pizza that is made here.

Obviously by now you have realised that we must be getting new candidates for infection from somewhere if we intend to continue with this research. After all an Infected only has a lifespan of several months before their condition is such that they are unable to even stand let alone think.

So I see here on the sheet I was handed that it is indeed required that I explain how we acquire our new subjects. Large quantities of our subjects are death row prisoners. The rest of our candidates are suspected terrorists and persons of interests who have been deemed too dangerous to keep in society.

A final point for this letter would be a simplified version of the preparation process that we perform on our infected candidates to satisfy our military interests in the project. What would America be if not a country that tries to militarise all research performed in its borders?

Our subjects are injected with the pathogen that induces infection, shipped to the town criminology department, and then prepared for study. Small modifications are made to the brains to increase the brain’s longevity such as pumping them full of preservatives and vitamins to keep their minds and to a lesser degree their bodies in  good working order for as long as possible. Then the appetite suppressant is injected into the spinal column ensuring it spreads rapidly to the brain. Once all this is done the town’s head neurologist removes part of the brain to suppress violent thought, and once this procedure is completed, they are put to work in whichever building requires new Infected.

We currently receive in-between 10 and 15new Infected per month, but we require a minimum of no less than 25 if we are to be expected to continue producing the kind of results that we have produced thus far.

We suspect that if given the right funding we can completely cure Alzheimer’s disease within the next year, and given enough money we could have a military application for the virus in within 3 years.

I imagine I could write thousands of words on the specific details of the town, but I believe that the job of doing so has been applied to the Diner or the Cinema, one can never be certain. I have only one personal request and that is for this outpost to be outfitted with a physics lab, Physicists provide better conversation than Psychiatrists.

-Dr (Censored) Outpost ZZD5

HOW

FUCKING

AWESOME

IS

THAT

SHIT

Yes you heard me, there is a closeup of STRUDEL in this movie, I mean who does shit like that. That’s how fucking awesome he is that he can make a closeup of pudding be fucking legendary. Just thinking about has made me jizz myself again.

THEN OH MY FUCK. I WANT TO MAKE SWEET LOVE TO LIEUTENANT ALDO REINE, THAT MAN IS FUCKING BRUTAL. I swear, he knows how to fucking deal with NAZI’s HE JSUT FUCKING SCALPS THEM then leaves their corpses strewn about the french country side for other nazi’s to find. HOW FUCKING BRUTAL IS THAT??????? Then on the rare occasion he lets a Nazi go he carves a fucking SWATSIKA into their forehead so they never forget what they once were. that SHIT IS BRUTAL. ONLY A MAN THAT FUCKING BRUTAL would take a squadron of jewish men deep into Nazi controlled france just to go on a killing spree…with the sole intent of fucking with the german morale.

SO TAKE THIS AS A FUCKING INSTRUCTION. GO WATCH INGLOURIOUS BASTARDS NOW!!!!!!

“Bertrand” you say demeaningly, “your incontinence is nothing to joke about”. I say to you that today this not the  case because I found something awesome in the wordpress software. I found my total views. It appears that sometime at the end of last month I hit 1000 views. which is awesome when I think about it and probably surprising to some of you but it’s true. ONE THOUSAND VIEWS ON MY BLOG.

So this means I have enough people checking my blog on a daily basis that I have either got alot of flimsy views or some serious readers hanging in there.

So for now I just want to say thank you to my regulars and may the force be with all off you.

Well better not waste a blog post. things to look forward to this week. a story about zombies is undergoing it’s last edit and if all goes well I will be interviewing our friend Adin van Ryneveld on saturday. My last day of school is on friday and pictures of me dressed as uncle fester aswell as pictures of me dressed as a woman will be forthcoming soon so stick around because we have quite a week ahead of us.

P.S. something awesome may happen on wednesday for me so everyone keep your fingers crossed.

Here I am, poker night. I have decided to document this month’s poker month. This is probably one of those drunken Ideas I will later regret but mostly it’s so that I know what happened if I happen to forget. So here we are. I am starting the Documentation

Hour 1

Already I am feeling slightly tipsy and the crowd is starting to build, I am drinking a single vodka Power Play. People here so far are three people whose names I do not currently know, Kyle, Ashley and Tessa. I arrived with Sergei and I expect he is outside. More is to follow as the evening progresses.

Sometime Later

Rudi has arrived and soon the poker will begin. By now I have lost feeling in my cheeks and I think I will not walk away with any of the money I have reserved for poker.  My drink is becoming empty. Soon I will replace it with a new one. Maybe asking for someone’s coke would be prudent instead of having more Power Play (I didn’t follow my own advice and it ended up seriously fucking me over). Now I must put away the laptop and participate socially.

Poker Begins

I have begun playing the poker and as expected things are not going well, I expect I will not be coming out on top tonight. Though fate has often thrown me unexpected curveballs and this hand is proving in my favour and I think most of the players do not expect this. I change that prognosis as I have just lost. Straight to a straight flush 2 to 6. This is a saddening experience and one I shall take much from.

The time is 23:15, and poker is over. We are now moving to Springbok’s where rudi has volunteered to pay for my double cane and crème soda. I am rather looking forward to this prospect as I have never drunk cane before. I will update you all later about how this has resulted. Until now I wish you farewell. If I do not survive I expect my mom to post this. I hope I feel Okay in the morning.

Well after that there was nothing more. I woke up the next morning and I was not okay. I went to the bathroom four times to empty my bowels and my back decided that it hated me but then again it probably had good reason. I have decided to leave the above text as it is with only grammar adjustments and I will fill you in on the details down here.

My luck did not change that night, nor did my skill and so I lost my 50 rand investment in close to 10 minutes maybe it was more. I very much enjoyed the long talk I had with Ashley, It was a rather eye opening experience and certainly brought about some new Ideas to the table about what life is.

Rudi started hallucinating because he claimed he was giving me vodka shots for the length of the night and for a while I was quite worried because I couldn’t remember this but I have decided to discount this Idea as no one else can remember such an occurrence.

Springbok’s was fun, although I did not get nearly as many drinks as everyone else there so I was a bit of a sad panda because of that but I guess it was for the best considering what state I was already in at the time.

Once I started to sober up just enough to feel what I was doing to my digestive system, and my head I then started to mellow down quite a bit…I think.

Sleep was atrocious, both me and Kyle nearly died from the smell of Sergei’s feet and I suspect Cecile is still trying to get the smell out of her sofa pillows.

Once the morning was upon us though it was time to Jump start Kyle’s car which despite none of us having experience in that field we managed to do on the first try without blowing anything up.

Then poker was over, with that final step of moving into our respective vehicles or for those of us without vehicles, (me) Sergei’s car.

It was epic and I look forward to next month when I hope to get my money back as well as forcing more people to write Testimonials. Speaking of which here is what was said.

Rudi

I felt I had to type something because Bertie is getting real drunk now. I feel insulted cause Bertie just called me Sergei. I wasn’t planning on coming tonight because I had a kak test. Sergei called me to many times and I decided fuck this shit I’m going to party with my friends. Now after a few Foundries and Kyle’s wine and coke I feel good and happy. And I’m sorry I didn’t bring my “friend” although you all got the wrong impression. She is not my girlfriend… yet. Now I’m going to go get Bertie drunk so expect some nice new entries.

I promise to all those loyal readers that I will get your Blogger drunk. Creme Soda and Double Kane for all the non-stellies people. People live long and prosper. Death to the infidels.

Kyle

OMG I’m blogging on some one elses LAPTOP!! This is like stealing someones women and CALLING him and saying thanx for the trip ^^! But not really I’m not that bad…… Well….. maybe I am hehe… Anyways the night. Firstly I’d like to thank a legendary HOST by the name of Ajay! Infact he’s so legendary he deserves a Suit covered in the ash of Kanye West after his great cremation. Though TBH i’d prefer just buying him a 2 sets of swords to have a wait… wait for it LLEEEGGEN REFER to How I met your mother season one haha.

No now really this night has been epic to a noob he just won R140 and some awesome company. Ta people and have a good one!

But really now, you guys know I’m awesome I mean honestly how can I not be. I’d like to give a shout out to a new Reader….Heather say hello to everyone ( that means comment) she’s a bit shy but if you leave out some cheese and a twilight book then she might come out, let her smell your hand first so she knows she can trust you.

I’m getting a laptop, which is awesome. it means I can write more, blog more, masturbate more and generally be a more productive writer. It’s a Lovely Acer Aspire 4810T that I am buying from the great Gentleman Nadim “KhampfGherkin” Braun. If payment goes through, which is Dependant on my dad not forgetting (Yes I know you’re reading this dad.) I will be holding this beauty in my hands tomorow afternoon.

On a completely different topic:

• LOL
• ROFL
• LAWL
• OMG
• WTF

are not appropriate responses, ever. I know I break this statement often if not on a minutely basis but it’s still a truth which needs to be said. So if you respond to a paragraph with lawl again Sergei I will act out on my threat and chances are your girlfriend will find it funny so be careful.

I intend to Interview our Friend Adin Van Reyneveld soon, it’s just a matter of finding a time when he isn’t doing something and when I am not at school. Once we find such an anamoly in our Diaries we will be meeting up. Speaking of which the snoop of the minute. So it’s just a matter time until you get the first actual interview of the Lair of Minor and Trivial Evil. I’m sure this will be a great stepping stone and one day I will be able to look back…probably when the Lair goes by some kind of abbreviation instead of it’s full name.

Actually I think I want people to casually refer to it as “The Lair” one day, how awesome would that be. And all you loyal sheep will be like “I was one of the first readers” and “I saw how big it would become” and I’ll just laugh because I know you just read it so I will stop pestering you with links on a daily basis.

I think I shall end of with a quote, this was said to me by none other than Rachelle ‘Sykeria” Ross and I found it rather Hilariou s0:

“bow down and worship the almighty Cuntshell”

So to all a goodnight, may you have wet dreams about how awesome you are for reading this legendary of all Blogs.

My epiphany, the final step which threw me into the dark realisation that gaming is a horrible thing which affects us all negatively is a game so despicable so horrid that it’s a wonder they allow it to exist. I am of course talking about, Kirby.

I have played Kirby for many years now, enjoying the pink ball of goo who likes to suck up his enemies and then one day while I had my head in a toilet after a nice big dinner that I wanted to bring up I realised. Kirby is an advocate for Bulimia. I’d seen Kirby spit up his enemies as stars so many times I barely thought about what I was doing. I mean Kirby kept in such a fit shape and the common denominator was that he never kept his meals down so I figured that must be the solution to keeping in shape.

I remember the first time I emptied my stomach of its recently eaten contents, I had been disappointed that it wasn’t a Giant star like in the Kirby games which you could fling at your opponents but I was not phased. I figured it was just going to take a while before stars came out. So I continued day in and day out…every meal in went out the same way.

The more games I played the more convinced I was that Kirby was right. Food was not meant to be in us. We can appreciate its taste then it has to go out, plus I was getting so slim so that worked for me.

Now I’m here…writing this from my room in the clinic for recovering Bulimics and Anorexics and I realise that Kirby destroyed my life as I’m sure he has destroyed many other lives and if that’s what Kirby does to people…imagine what Mario encourages.

Now for those of you who witnessed me holding this drink last night, tasted it, or have ever been near one of these you really don’t need to read what I am about to say but you might want to anyway. On the recommendation of a certain gentleman by the name of Reagan I headed over to my nearest friendly bartender last night and ordered a long island Iced tea. Now to be honest the description I am about to give you is probably one of a badly prepared Long Island Iced Tea (hereby referred to as a LIIT) because my bartender asked two other bartenders how to prepare it before I even saw the Funny shakey cup they use to mis all the different types of alcohol. Anyway I waited at the bar while the barman poured generous doses of various alcohols on my danger list, some Ice and then shook it vigorously before pouring it into a glass with a coke…now I am not certain and I will be checking up on this but I am pretty sure coke would not be an ingredient of a LIIT but moving on.

I received my drink…paid 40 rand for it which was actually really cheap considering the general price of drinks and the amount of alcohol he put into it and then I drank. Now if you have ever seen me try to eat broccoli then you know what face I made there and then, for those of you who haven’t imagine someone just got hit with a shovel after being told that wasn’t chocolate they were eating and you will have a general Idea of what face I pulled.

This is because this drink I indulged in roughly tasted like eating shit while being wacked repeatedly over the head with a shovel…Now I don’t know about you but when you get served an alcoholic drink of that nature there is only one thing you can do….and that is indeed what I had to do in the end. I downed it…more or less. I downed half of it then downed the other half and the copious quantity of drinks I had after that did nothing for the horrible taste left in my mouth

So I leave you now because i am going to empty another tube of toothpaste in my mouth. Next up tomorrow is the badger story, and now I have to figure out exactly how I am going to write that so thank you very much for listening to what I imagine is a rather lame rant about a crap drink.

So I wrote exams and the only I dread more than the exams is getting my report on monday because I get the feeling I am going to suffer just a bit which is just horrid because I will get crap from the school owner… a woman who can drag on disappointment for hours at a time. It’s not the disappointment that gets to me though…It’s the boredom. Imagine someone droning on about how you are losing opportunities you aren’t even interested in because you did average in a subject you don’t like or care about. imagine this going on for an hour or two and you aren’t sure which parts are directed at you because your entire class is getting this talk.

So that’s crap and I have that to look forward to next term. Then what else happened…oh yes I get the same situation but in person from my science teacher…happy days, especially since she screams and shouts and makes low marks sound like an affront to her very existence. Chances are she will end Up reading this then i will really be in Crap but I don’t care.

In the department of Good news….I have been using Windows 7 which is perfect except that it takes me 15 minutes every morning to get the internet working so I need to find out What the fuck is going on there. But other than that I love it. It’s fast, it’s easy to use and it does this cool thing which makes windows go invisible. Chances are that if you are interested in windows 7 all this is old news and for those of you who couldn’t give a rats ass…well you don’t give a rat’s ass. So this is all rather pointless, but anyway it’s awesome I love it and I don’t care who knows about our love.

A few posts back I did a bit of a semi Introductory piece on The Adin Van Ryneveld guy and he posted a comment…I would link back to the post but I am a lazy bastard so look for it yourself. Anyway he commented and said we should meet before I do my next post on him which will be awesome because it’s probably going to be fun but more importantly it’s going to be something to do that isn’t sitting at my computer for 16 hours a day. So looking forward to that…So Adin Get your ass on Skype I’ve been waiting for you, that is unless you’ve been on Skype but it’s always when my internet fails in that case I apologise for using an expletive.

Ok I think I have dawdled on for long enough to make up for my absence…I think I shall be posting a bit more. Expect an update on the farewell party I am going to tomorrow night. A piece of fiction about a badger who loves bananas and a review of how good your mom is in bed.