The Pizzeria

I know I have been bad with the updating recently so here is a piece I wrote a short while back for a friend. It’s along the tones of my more lighthearted stuff but I could see myself turning this into a serious novel one day. I hope you enjoy the read. It is probably one of the best edited pieces I have ever put up on the blog.

I want to have Quentin Tarantino’s Babies (Non plot related spoilers)

I don’t know how to put this in a way that will sound sane and coherent so I won’t. GO WATCH INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS NOW. It is by far the most awesome Quentin Tarantino film ever made. Neo Nazi’s shit their pants when they watch that movie from the fear it induces…I personally Jizzed my pants…three times during that movie. I think Tarantino has somehow managed to break the speed of awesome, basically his movie is so awesome you can feel the awesomeness before you watch it. I MEAN FFS there is a scene with a chick eating STRUDEL AND HE FUCKING DOES A CLOSEUP OF THE STRUDEL

HOW

FUCKING

AWESOME

IS

THAT

SHIT

Yes you heard me, there is a closeup of STRUDEL in this movie, I mean who does shit like that. That’s how fucking awesome he is that he can make a closeup of pudding be fucking legendary. Just thinking about has made me jizz myself again.

THEN OH MY FUCK. I WANT TO MAKE SWEET LOVE TO LIEUTENANT ALDO REINE, THAT MAN IS FUCKING BRUTAL. I swear, he knows how to fucking deal with NAZI’s HE JSUT FUCKING SCALPS THEM then leaves their corpses strewn about the french country side for other nazi’s to find. HOW FUCKING BRUTAL IS THAT??????? Then on the rare occasion he lets a Nazi go he carves a fucking SWATSIKA into their forehead so they never forget what they once were. that SHIT IS BRUTAL. ONLY A MAN THAT FUCKING BRUTAL would take a squadron of jewish men deep into Nazi controlled france just to go on a killing spree…with the sole intent of fucking with the german morale.

SO TAKE THIS AS A FUCKING INSTRUCTION. GO WATCH INGLOURIOUS BASTARDS NOW!!!!!!

OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE IT O_O

Ok so I had this whole piece planned about the weekend but that’s on the laptop and I am not amped to finish it but I might butcher some of it for other purposes . What I am writing to you is about something so awesome I think I just wet myself.

Poker Night, The aftermath

Poker Night October

Here I am, poker night. I have decided to document this month’s poker month. This is probably one of those drunken Ideas I will later regret but mostly it’s so that I know what happened if I happen to forget. So here we are. I am starting the Documentation

Hour 1

Already I am feeling slightly tipsy and the crowd is starting to build, I am drinking a single vodka Power Play. People here so far are three people whose names I do not currently know, Kyle, Ashley and Tessa. I arrived with Sergei and I expect he is outside. More is to follow as the evening progresses.

Sometime Later

Rudi has arrived and soon the poker will begin. By now I have lost feeling in my cheeks and I think I will not walk away with any of the money I have reserved for poker.  My drink is becoming empty. Soon I will replace it with a new one. Maybe asking for someone’s coke would be prudent instead of having more Power Play (I didn’t follow my own advice and it ended up seriously fucking me over). Now I must put away the laptop and participate socially.

Poker Begins

I have begun playing the poker and as expected things are not going well, I expect I will not be coming out on top tonight. Though fate has often thrown me unexpected curveballs and this hand is proving in my favour and I think most of the players do not expect this. I change that prognosis as I have just lost. Straight to a straight flush 2 to 6. This is a saddening experience and one I shall take much from.

The time is 23:15, and poker is over. We are now moving to Springbok’s where rudi has volunteered to pay for my double cane and crème soda. I am rather looking forward to this prospect as I have never drunk cane before. I will update you all later about how this has resulted. Until now I wish you farewell. If I do not survive I expect my mom to post this. I hope I feel Okay in the morning.

Well after that there was nothing more. I woke up the next morning and I was not okay. I went to the bathroom four times to empty my bowels and my back decided that it hated me but then again it probably had good reason. I have decided to leave the above text as it is with only grammar adjustments and I will fill you in on the details down here.

My luck did not change that night, nor did my skill and so I lost my 50 rand investment in close to 10 minutes maybe it was more. I very much enjoyed the long talk I had with Ashley, It was a rather eye opening experience and certainly brought about some new Ideas to the table about what life is.

Rudi started hallucinating because he claimed he was giving me vodka shots for the length of the night and for a while I was quite worried because I couldn’t remember this but I have decided to discount this Idea as no one else can remember such an occurrence.

Springbok’s was fun, although I did not get nearly as many drinks as everyone else there so I was a bit of a sad panda because of that but I guess it was for the best considering what state I was already in at the time.

Once I started to sober up just enough to feel what I was doing to my digestive system, and my head I then started to mellow down quite a bit…I think.

Sleep was atrocious, both me and Kyle nearly died from the smell of Sergei’s feet and I suspect Cecile is still trying to get the smell out of her sofa pillows.

Once the morning was upon us though it was time to Jump start Kyle’s car which despite none of us having experience in that field we managed to do on the first try without blowing anything up.

Then poker was over, with that final step of moving into our respective vehicles or for those of us without vehicles, (me) Sergei’s car.

It was epic and I look forward to next month when I hope to get my money back as well as forcing more people to write Testimonials. Speaking of which here is what was said.

Rudi

I felt I had to type something because Bertie is getting real drunk now. I feel insulted cause Bertie just called me Sergei. I wasn’t planning on coming tonight because I had a kak test. Sergei called me to many times and I decided fuck this shit I’m going to party with my friends. Now after a few Foundries and Kyle’s wine and coke I feel good and happy. And I’m sorry I didn’t bring my “friend” although you all got the wrong impression. She is not my girlfriend… yet. Now I’m going to go get Bertie drunk so expect some nice new entries.

I promise to all those loyal readers that I will get your Blogger drunk. Creme Soda and Double Kane for all the non-stellies people. People live long and prosper. Death to the infidels.

Kyle

OMG I’m blogging on some one elses LAPTOP!! This is like stealing someones women and CALLING him and saying thanx for the trip ^^! But not really I’m not that bad…… Well….. maybe I am hehe… Anyways the night. Firstly I’d like to thank a legendary HOST by the name of Ajay! Infact he’s so legendary he deserves a Suit covered in the ash of Kanye West after his great cremation. Though TBH i’d prefer just buying him a 2 sets of swords to have a wait… wait for it LLEEEGGEN REFER to How I met your mother season one haha.

No now really this night has been epic to a noob he just won R140 and some awesome company. Ta people and have a good one!

OMW Another 500 words of Nothing

Nothing, nothing whatsoever is here except random dribble about my day, Things that are going to happen in the future and other menial things that will no doubt bore you. So I suggest you just leave now and don’t bother reading the rest because it’s not interesting. I mean who wants to read what an 18 year old with an ego the size of Jupiter has to say. No one sane I’ll tell you…so basically if you’re still reading they might aswell cart you off to the mad house right now.

Gaming is Negatively affecting the youth

It took me a while to realise this, to get over my delusions that games were innocent and that they did not harm us. I spent many nights chanting to myself that blowing the heads off zombies was not making me a different person. All the while I slept with a machete lest the zombies attack. I wonder why it took me so long to realise this horrible truth.

…..There is no Freaking Iced tea in that shit….

Good…early afternoon my readers. Today is the day when I report back on my happenings last night which is actually going to read more like a 500 word essay on how crap long Island Iced Tea’s taste. Huh what you ask me, or you don’t because you’ve had one and you know what I am talking about. Shall we get started, yes I think that’s a good Idea.

OMG it’s BEEN LIKE FOREVER

I’m sorry I’m Sorry, Stop laying on the guilt I know I have been neglecting the blog but I’ve been busy drooling on windows seven and before that there was exams and other shit. So here I am though, updating so no need to fret my little sheep I have returned. So what do I have to report on….hmmmmm… Let’s see where to start.

So I wrote exams and the only I dread more than the exams is getting my report on monday because I get the feeling I am going to suffer just a bit which is just horrid because I will get crap from the school owner… a woman who can drag on disappointment for hours at a time. It’s not the disappointment that gets to me though…It’s the boredom. Imagine someone droning on about how you are losing opportunities you aren’t even interested in because you did average in a subject you don’t like or care about. imagine this going on for an hour or two and you aren’t sure which parts are directed at you because your entire class is getting this talk.

So that’s crap and I have that to look forward to next term. Then what else happened…oh yes I get the same situation but in person from my science teacher…happy days, especially since she screams and shouts and makes low marks sound like an affront to her very existence. Chances are she will end Up reading this then i will really be in Crap but I don’t care.

In the department of Good news….I have been using Windows 7 which is perfect except that it takes me 15 minutes every morning to get the internet working so I need to find out What the fuck is going on there. But other than that I love it. It’s fast, it’s easy to use and it does this cool thing which makes windows go invisible. Chances are that if you are interested in windows 7 all this is old news and for those of you who couldn’t give a rats ass…well you don’t give a rat’s ass. So this is all rather pointless, but anyway it’s awesome I love it and I don’t care who knows about our love.

A few posts back I did a bit of a semi Introductory piece on The Adin Van Ryneveld guy and he posted a comment…I would link back to the post but I am a lazy bastard so look for it yourself. Anyway he commented and said we should meet before I do my next post on him which will be awesome because it’s probably going to be fun but more importantly it’s going to be something to do that isn’t sitting at my computer for 16 hours a day. So looking forward to that…So Adin Get your ass on Skype I’ve been waiting for you, that is unless you’ve been on Skype but it’s always when my internet fails in that case I apologise for using an expletive.

Ok I think I have dawdled on for long enough to make up for my absence…I think I shall be posting a bit more. Expect an update on the farewell party I am going to tomorrow night. A piece of fiction about a badger who loves bananas and a review of how good your mom is in bed.

Swimming in Poetry

Well after intense discussion I have finally got myself my first additional contributor to the blog…sort off. Cat or as most of you know her KittenNooblet has a Da account where she posts her poetry. Every Few days I shall scour her profile and pick the poetry which I deem safe and post the links here. I expect all of you to read it because firstly she is one of the best the only poet I know, aswell as being extremely talented..to the point that she has gotten a piece of her work published already.

I’m lazy….so I need someone else to make me look productive

Hi there my loyal maggots, I’ve been absent these past few days despite having a new post window open for close to all the time. It would seem that the thought of my impending Maths exam has stricken me with a kind of writers block. So I thought that this would be a good time to reach out to my readers and ask you for something.

I had been contemplating asking people if they would want to write for my blog for a while now and I think this dry streak has finally given me the push to go ahead with that Idea. If you want to write random shit but aren’t inclined to manage your own blog then come to me, there are a few of your saddened little souls that I intend to ask personally if you would be willing to slave away endlessly to keep this little black stain on the internet with new content and you will be getting personal messages from me soon. IF you don’t get a message then chances are I either think your writing is crap, not suitable to my blog or I have no Idea you even write. So feel free to ask me unless I specifically come up to you and say…”look, I know you like writing but I have seen cow dung with better grammar than the stuff you write.”

Also people come on, there are like 20 of you who read my blog and it’s not growing. I need hundreds of thousands of readers so I can spread my worldwide agenda. How am I supposed to take over the world if I have 10 university students, 5 highschool students and 5 people who live in their basement reading my blog. So spread the word of the lair…especially those of you who go to Stellenbosch, anyone you manage to convince to read my blog will probably be so stoned they might actually be tricked into thinking my writing is the godlike achievement I make it out to be.

So I thank you in advance for the requests which I know I won’t get because I need to shower. So I leave you with an image of me soaping up my hairy ass.

EvilBelgian
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